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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

This headline from a newspaper this morning speaks volumes, doesn’t it? Granted, it was a reference to Charlie Crist and his party tap-dance yesterday and probably not intended to apply to the entire Grand Obstructionist Party, but still….

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Well, today is the big day when Marco (Male-Palin) Rubio makes his big debut as a bona fide wing-nut and moves up from the “kids table” of mere winglets, and makes his big speech at CPAC, (Conservative Political Action Committee) that crazy gathering of pseudo conservatives who get together every year and attempt to turn hate speech about everyone and everything they don’t agree with into one long stand-up comedy routine. Very festive. It’s comedy all right, just that they don’t realize the joke is on them. But whose counting, right?

Little bits of Rubio’s speech are trickling out now from those who are there, so I thought I would share some of the “low-lights” as I come across them. (Personally I can’t stomach watching it or listening to it myself.)

First order of business? Obama-bashing of course!  Their favorite sport. (I’ll bet they probably have an entire seminar on Obama bashing at the convention, I’ll have to look that up later.) Rubio started off with a teleprompter joke, which he probably read from one of the two teleprompters in front of him, or from his notes at the podium. (Writers from the Huffington Post who are there wrote that he was looking right at the teleprompters.) He’s isn’t the brightest bulb so he probably needed both to make sure he got it just right. Plus old Sarah kind of ruined that whole crib notes on the palm trick for him, so that wouldn’t have worked.

So let’s see how the winglet is doing so far. I’ll try to translate in bold:

“2010 is a referendum on the very identity of our nation,” (Psst, we have a black president.) he said of the 2010 election “And the issues are so big, (99.9% of  the country’s problems caused by Bush, but facts don’t count here) so consequential, (Obama is doing a pretty good job trying to fix things, in spite of our obstructions, bad for us in elections) so generational (Did I mention that we have a BLACK President?) that many of the old rules of political engagement will not apply. (Lying, hypocrisy, not working too well, facts interfering too much.) For example a long list of early establishment endorsements will not spare you a primary. (Again with the “facts” problem. Thank goodness we have that SCOTUS ruling now so that corporations can buy us seats if we suck up to them enough) Several one line slogans aren’t going to spare you the need to discuss policy issues in details. (But that won’t stop us from using them anyway) And the old tired political attacks that worked in the past aren’t going to get you elected this time.” (That’s why we need to get REALLY ugly and scare Tea Baggers with words like Socialism, evoke Hitler when possible, AND remind any prejudiced Tea Baggers that we have a black president because we need to hijack their Party, and their votes, while secretly working against all the values they hold dear, and hope they don’t figure that out before it’s time to vote.)

Whew. And that’s just the beginning of his speech!

Looks like his act worked on at least one person there:

“I was standing backstage with tears,” Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) said following Rubio on stage. (“I wanted Palin instead, sniff, sniff.”) “Reminding myself what we have with Marco. What a treasure.” (Oh, isn’t that sweet? Too bad he’s not a voter. Sorry!)

Boy, Republicans these days sure do like to show their tender, feminine sides by weeping in public, don’t they? At least that’s probably what they want us to think. I think they’re really sobbing because their eight year reign of control has come to an end. But calling Marco Polo-Palin Rubio a “treasure?” I think that’s a bit of a stretch.

More later…

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It isn’t just the Democrats who need, or are probably getting a wake up call right about now after yesterday’s election. I think there are a lot of them to go around. So here, in my opinion, are a few more random wake up calls. Who knows, perhaps they’ll help prevent future post-election headaches.

Wake Up Call For The Republicans:

  • (And this is my personal favorite) Today you’re probably sitting there on your imaginary pedestals and thinking that all of us Democrats, liberals and progressives are now going to just form a line, fold up our tents and go home, only to slit our wrists when we get there. NO. WE’RE NOT. The majority of us don’t give up that easily and you ain’t seen nothing yet, so enjoy that fantasy while it lasts.

For the voter who votes for a Republican believing that they will fix things right up, just like magic:

  • NO MEANS NO. Or to put it another way: What part of “no” don’t you understand? The Republicans don’t have a plan. Seriously. If they did, don’t you think they would have presented it and saved you by now? The best plan they had was to sit around doing nothing more than planning how to get back in power so they could pillage the country again after the Democrats cleaned up the mess they made. But here’s the thing. What they fail to grasp is that Dubya messed things up so badly for eight years that there is no precedent for complete and utter Bushclusterf-ication of this magnitude. They are magical thinkers who seem to believe if they get that power back, they will merely blink twice, open their eyes and all will be better, shiny, and new. Uh…no. When they open their eyes, they will still have to dig around looking for that pony because Bushclusterf-ication takes a lot more than eight years to clean up. Most sane people realize that. THEY DON’T. THEY ARE STUPID. THEY HAVE NO PONY FOR YOU, BUT EVEN IF THEY DID THEY WOULDN’T SHARE IT WITH YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE REPUBLICANS!

If you voted for the Republican version of Scott Brown because you’re still under the impression that Republicans are the “Party of Family Values”:

  • That’s just adorable! Sadly though, you are quite naive, but you know that now because this morning you woke to find that you elected someone who POSED NUDE IN COSMO AND ALL BUT AUCTIONED HIS DAUGHTERS OFF TO, WELL….JUST ANYONE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION WHILE MAKING HIS VICTORY SPEECH! Because I sympathize and realize this is probably a lot to take in all at once, I suppose it’s probably best not to bring up the curling iron. Maybe later…

For “Tea Baggers”

  • If you voted for the “Tea Party” version of Scott Brown because he owns a truck and therefore he must be just like you? Good for you! But I would venture to guess that his other truck is probably a Mercedes, Lexus, or something along those lines. Or he has a whole fleet of trucks of the luxury persuasion, the likes of which you could never dream to afford. But as I said, good for you! I’m afraid the only wake up call you will receive is this: YOU DRIVE A TRUCK.
  • If you vote for a “Tea Party” candidate because, in addition to owning and loving your truck as much as your Mom, AND you don’t like to pay taxes, even better! You’ll need that truck because those roads won’t build themselves! (Please see the previous wake up call, in bold, above, and add the word: “CONGRATULATIONS!”)
  • If you voted for the “Tea Party” side of Brown because he ran on the promise that “as God (or Cosmo) is my witness, I will protect you from evil affordable, Government run health care!” and you said “Don’t want none of that! Oh Yeah!” as you popped your ballot into that magic Diebold machine, well than I have a bonus wake up for you, because guess what? Thanks to your vote, your candidate now has FREE GOVERNMENT RUN HEALTH CARE ALL THANKS TO YOU! AND YOU GET THE BILL, ALONG WITH YOUR OWN, WHICH YOU’RE WORKING THOSE TWO JOBS TO PAY FOR, SO IT’S A WIN WIN! I’m sure he’ll be forever grateful.
  • If your situation is identical to the voter above with the exception that you don’t have health insurance? Ooh, bummer. But look on the bright side: HE DOES!

These aren’t really tips or wake up calls, they’re just things I want to get off my chest.

For The “Pun-Ditz:”

  • Chris Matthews, (oh where to begin?) and this has nothing to do with politics, but the former “Cheers” is the place “where everybody knows your name.” Since you were broadcasting from the very same last night, aren’t you just a bit ironically embarrassed that you didn’t know the name of the candidate when the cameras came on? You’ve been blithering about him for days as if he were your latest man crush without taking a breath, and the name B-R-O-W-N really isn’t all that tough. Chastising others for their Teleprompter use can come back to bite one, can’t it?
  • Chris Matthews Part Two: About being “schooled” so brilliantly by Rachel Maddow last night: it’s best not to get into an intellectual discussion on a topic you only pretend to be an expert on unarmed. If I may borrow a term from Ms. Maddow, it exposes one as being “divorced from reality.” Stop embarrassing yourself. It’s not pretty to watch.
  • I was thinking there were other “Pun-Ditz” to mention, but I only watched MSNBC last night, so Chris Matthews was about it since Joe and Mika aren’t “Ready For Prime Time Election Coverage” and weren’t there. Not to leave them out altogether, because let’s face it, those two are about as bad as it gets. But there’s enough material on them for an entire post all to themselves, so maybe another time…Thank goodness for Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann or MSNBC would be completely unwatchable!

And finally, there is one more wake up call that I’ve just got to mention. That would be the one Sarah Palin is probably pretty angry about today. Who knew there was another candidate out there who is just as attention grabbing and tacky, if not more so, than Caribou Barbie? Poor little Sarah is quite possibly eating the “trucks and guns” dust that Brown left behind in his rush to be crowned the “King Of The Tea Party” and she never even became “First Runner Up.” Of course she’ll still get that hefty speaking fee at the “Tea Party” rip-off conference, unless it’s followers find out what a rip-off it is before it’s to late for a refund. Oh well. Now clueless little Sarah is just yesterday’s news and she can’t “quit” her endorsement of Scott Brown. She’ll get to live with her new role as “has been” every time her coworkers on FOX drool while they talk about him with her nonstop.  So to Sarah I say: MEET THE SHADOW OF YOUR 15 MINUTES IN THE LIMELIGHT….. Next?

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Another Twitter from the Bitter John McCain:

The Harris Poll on Jan 7, 2010: John McCain Seen as Most Influential Republican and as Leading Voice of the Party

And if that’s not enough tickle for your funny-bone, well here you go, from the mouth of “Captain America” his own self:

Blah, blah, blah……

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Did you hear? Someone threw a tomato at Sarah Palin at her book signing yesterday at the Mall Of America.

Now, let me say right up front that I do not condone assault by tomato, or any other fruit for that matter, but you gotta love the irony. Many have referred to Sarah’s “unique” (?) public speaking style as “Word Salad,” so the fact that someone hurled a tomato at her is just a bit ironic don’t you think?

I also find it ironic for another reason. A while back on The Daily Show, Jon Stewart said something like this when describing Palin: “When you peel back the layers of the onion…..there’s no onion there.” I couldn’t agree more.

Unfortunately for the guy going rogue and pitching that tomato his aim was less than accurate. It seems he hit a policeman instead. Ouch!

I have no idea how long an incarceration for “assault by tomato” is, but perhaps when he gets out he can write his own memoir.

How about “Going Roquefort?”

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Well known crazy congresswoman Michele Bachmann and professional victim and chronic quitter Sarah Palin are set to meet today. Palin will be at The Mall Of America at yet another book signing and will later attend a fundraiser after the book signing where Bachmann also will be in attendance. I’m guessing that will be some humdinger of a fundraiser too, with a whole 75 people in attendance. Don’t spend it all in one place!

Bachmann did an interview on Minnesota public radio today and she had this to say about Palin:

“I hope I can get a book and maybe get it signed.”

You can get a book Michele. It’s called W-a-l-M-a-r-t. Unless of course she thinks Palin will just up and give her a copy as a courtesy from one nutcase to another. Yeah, THAT will happen. Sarah and money seldom separate once they come in contact with one another. I’m afraid Bachmann will have to shell out the $4.99 for a copy like all the other sheep.

She was also asked what she thought about Palin as a candidate for President, as opposed to still-Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty:

“I like both of them, ” Bachmann said. “They’re great. Of course I’m very partial toward our own governor. I think he’s marvelous, but I love Gov. Palin. And I’m sure that there will be a lot more choices out there as well. So, I’ll withhold judgment as to who I’ll be supporting.”

Good luck getting that book signed Michele!

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Just a thought.

I would venture to say that a lawyer who takes to your Facebook page to defend you is certainly worth every penny you pay him!

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