A couple of funny things happened on the way to picking a city for the Republican 2012 Convention. First the Tea Baggers went to Utah and ousted three-term GOP Senator Bob Bennett because he wasn’t crazy enough for them. He just wouldn’t fit tidily enough into their little padded insanity box.
Then they passed a radical anti-immigration law in Arizona and people started boycotting the state in protest. (Although I think the real reason Arizona lost out was that John Boehner was in real danger of being detained the minute he so much as set an orange toe in the state without presenting proof of citizenship and, let’s face it that would be more embarrassing for the GOP than having a leader whose coloring is not one occurring in nature in the first place. Just sayin’.)
So that left the third runner-up and ugly step-child in the form of a swing state that “The Party of No” so desperately wants to win: Florida, and a city with a well-known GOP developer, Al Austin, who’s been frothing at the mouth for years over the prospect of a GOP convention coming to his town: Tampa.
So now as the planets apparently have aligned just right, have collided with the demented wing of the Grand Obstructionist Party, and intersected with a state where aliens, both illegal and interplanetary would have to prove they are citizens of these United States, the GOP convention lands in Florida, making us a karma bulls-eye come Hurricane season 2012. I smell a party!
City leaders and big wigs gathered yesterday to wait for a phone call from Republican National Committee Chair Michael “What Up Home….Bro?” Steele, and they weren’t disappointed.
“We’re excited and ready to get to work on what we believe will be one of the best people’s conventions we’ve ever had,” Steele told the host committee members.
Well, Tampa isn’t Hawaii, but I’m sure Steele will find something to his liking to do while he’s in Tampa. The city does have a lucrative red-light district after all. Al Austin and Tampa Mayor Pam Iorio probably weren’t the only ones celebrating after the announcement yesterday. Connoisseur of all things smut and multiple strip club franchise owner Joe Redner was probably thanking the God of Pole Dancing, or whatever God he worships, that the Party that parties in lesbian bondage clubs was coming to his very own city! What a “get” indeed! He’s probably making plans and sprucing up as I type.
Of course this will be good for local tourism and the economy in Tampa, but I’m guessing that, given the GOP’s proclivity for scandal it will be great for the private investigation industry as well.
“This is big fish, but it takes a long time to land one,” said Al Austin, co-chair of the host committee, who spearheaded two previous unsuccessful bids to land the convention.
Sadly though, by 2012 that is the only “big fish” we’re likely to see in Florida. Thanks to the GOP’s lust for “Free Market Oil,” by 2012 there will probably be a fishing ban in place, our white sandy beaches will be black and sludge laden, and the Gulf Of Mexico will resemble a giant “hold-your-nose” gas-scented tub of oil with boats, jet ski’s and rubber rafts replaced by old tires and garbage, and “No Swimming” signs will dot the coastline. But not to worry, Republicans, it’s OK! By all means, please do come down and feel free to swim in our waters.
Come on in, the oil’s fine!