Levi, Sans Levis
By now everyone has heard that, for the second time in recent weeks, there will be a cartoon character posing nude for publicity and big bucks. First it was Marge Simpson posing nude for Playboy, and now it’s Levi Johnston, the “Impregnator” from Alaska who fathered Sarah Palin’s grandchild, who will be posing nude in Playgirl.
I don’t know how he finds the time?
The Story So Far
Let’s see if we can get up to speed here:
As the saga began, Sarah Palin, AKA Hockey Mom/Pig Wearing Lipstick joined the GOP ticket with Sen. John “Support The Troops While Rarely Voting For Them” McCain.
Then Palin announced that her daughter Bristol was pregnant, and that the father was one Levi Johnston, a self proclaimed “f—ing redneck” high school hockey player, who would be marrying Bristol yesterday, or at least as soon as Palin was sworn in as VP.
So that didn’t happen.
So Sarah Palin went home to pout and Bristol went home and gave birth, after breaking off the “engagement” (wink wink) with Levi, who had to move out of the Palin home, even though he never lived there according to Sarah. (Again with the winking.) But everybody was happy, until they weren’t and then there was a lot of back and forth about whether or not Levi got to see the baby or not; yes according to Bristol, not so much according to Levi, blah blah blah, fill in whatever you believe here.
Then one day Sarah called a press conference in her back yard in Wasilla, complete with a podium and some loud geese and everything, and everybody paused and said “hmm, what is this all about?” Well, in between all the geese honking, we were able to hear just enough to put together that Palin was quitting her job as Governor because it was the only patriotic thing to do. Que Sarah Sarah!
Then Levi started talking to someone at Vanity Fair magazine and pretty soon there was an article proclaiming all sorts of juicy stuff about the “real Sarah Palin,” like how she really just up and quit being Governor because it was too hard and all the perks were gone and the McCain people came to Alaska and raided her closets and took all that Neiman Marcus loot back, along with Sarah’s own personal spotlight, not to mention that there was more money to be made, and lots more time to make it if she quit. Besides, she really liked spending her time curled up in front of the Home Shopping Network in a Snuggie anyway while her children raised themselves in the other wing of the house out of earshot and Todd was busy drinking beer in a woodshed or something in another area of the compound.
Meanwhile, Sarah managed to find a publisher who would offer her big $$ on a book deal. But Sarah doesn’t read, and writing is really hard when your wearing a Snuggie in spite of the arm holes, (sure, it looks easy on TV, but..) so she went out and found a ghost writer to do it for her. That only took a couple months because Sarah’s life story is only as long as a LinkedIn entry, (go look, it’s very short) plus the added childbirth entries, stories about Russia-gazing, and some mudslinging right back at Levi Johnston you betcha’, or so we’ve heard, because Sarah wants the last word on that subject! Then she went all “Rogue” and gave her book the oh so original title: “Going Rogue.”
“Going Rogue Respectable?”
Now that Sarah’s book is finished and she’s made a date with Oprah, she’s ready to get down to the business of looking like a respectable, and possibly future candidate by gaining herself some politician cred by banging out a few notes on her Facebook page, because let’s face it, that’s how Reagan would have done it if he were still around dontcha’ know? And she is really serious too. She’s using big words and everything and there will be no more of this petty mudslinging, no sir! Unless………………….
Soup To Nuts
Meanwhile, back in “f—ing redneck” land, Levi Johnston also too enjoys a spotlight now and then, and $$, so he decides to go on TV to do a commercial and crack nuts with his giant bodyguard (no, no, not the bodyguard’s. Pistachio nuts.) while a voice-over spins a few nut puns about safe sex and….. safe nuts..? Oh well, all you need to know is that he does “it” with protection. End of commercial.
So now fast forward, where we find Levi in heated negotiations about the upcoming nude photo shoot for Playgirl. He drops a lot of hints that really don’t say a whole lot except that he’s “about 90% sure” he’ll be mostly nude. For all I know, he might be emerging completely nude out of a Pistachio nutshell, but I don’t really care as I find the entire thing disgusting. Let’s move on, shall we?
Just When She Thinks She’s Safe He Pulls Her Back In
So today, now that the photo shoot gossip is over, I’m thinking I have finally heard the last of the Palin/Johnston soap opera, when I stumble upon another episode. Today we hear that young Levi tomorrow will be appearing 100% clothed on CBS’ Early Show. And he’s not just talking naked pictures. Nope. Believe it or not he has yet more mud to sling at Sarah Palin! (I know, shocking isn’t it?) He is not happy with the rumors he is hearing about her book and it’s rumors about him in the book. Or so it’s rumored..
He has more to reveal about her, says he isn’t going to take it anymore and thinks that “If she’s going to go out there and say things about me, I’m going to leak some things on her. I mean that’s just how it is.
“Well now I’ve heard all the things she’s said. You know, the Sarah Palin I knew before, it was — it was her putting on a front, it was her being fake to me and now that everything’s slowly coming out and I’m hearing more things, you know, and things she’s said and done, you know, I see the real Palin.”
Sarah’s Turn: “Oh Yeah? Leak On This!”
Ok, so there you have it. You can fire up the TV tomorrow, as Levi is getting ready to dish more dirt on Palin.
Do you suppose the next entry on Palin’s Facebook page will be more badly written accolades on the mavericky aspects of conservatism? Perhaps another endorsement or two of candidates who know even less about foreign AND domestic policy than Sarah herself?
I’m thinking there’s going to be some mud wrestling tickets up for sale pretty soon in Alaska. Any networks out there interested?