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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

By now just about everyone has seen the ridiculous campaign ad from the Christine O’Donnell that begins with the now infamous words:

“I”M NOT A WITCH”

Of course, if you haven’t seen the ad, you can take a look at it below, along with a “rebuttal.”

Ms. O’Donnell says “I’m nothing you’ve heard, I’m you.” (Uh, no, you’re not “me” or anyone I’ve ever come in contact with quite frankly.)

I hate to tell her, but we’ve “heard” because she’s said as much herself on video. We’ve not only heard, we’ve seen her say she was a witch, among other things. She’s a “deep” sort who believes that mice have been cloned with human brains, her dad was “Bozo,” and were it not for her love of meatballs, she’d be approaching us in an airport somewhere with pamphlets instead of running for the U.S. Senate. But here we are.

Here is O’Donnell in all her “glory,” all dressed up in black along with her pearls, sans magic wand and “psst!” no flag pin!

Now below we have a “rebuttal” of sorts to the Christine O’Donnell ad:

(H/T The Maddow Blog)

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As I sit here reading and writing about oil spills and tar balls, I’m getting some not so subtle reminders of how lucky I am to live in a place where the wildlife is still healthy and “busy” all around me.

Just now there was another in a series of recent loud “domestic disputes” between some nesting Sandhill Cranes up high in a tree not far from my window. If you’ve never heard one of these guys before, trust me, they make their presence known. No mistake about it. These particular cranes have largely taken over the pond in back of my house, and one stands guard most of the day (although it’s not there at the moment) and squawks bloody murder if any other birds stray into his (or her?) personal space.

There’s another group of residents in back of my house, however, who not surprisingly the birds leave alone. That would be these guys:

Meet The Neighbors

Pardon the less than stellar picture quality, but I was in a bit of a hurry when I took this. There were more than these two out and about.

I should point out to anyone reading this who isn’t familiar with alligators that its gator mating season in Florida now. They’re a loud bunch as well, although maybe not for the same reason as those Sandhill Cranes are. (Well, as far as I know anyway.) When a male alligator is “looking for love” he bellows a mating call that can echo for miles. He also does a mating “dance” (for lack of a better term) equally loud and boisterous. I can’t quite understand what’s so charming about it myself, but the lady gators seem to like it, so who am I to judge?

When I first moved into my house one suddenly “announced his availability” out in my back yard, and it was startling, to say the least. I am not exaggerating when I say the house shook. I don’t know if he found any girlfriends that day or not, but he was still “single” when he moved on. It was something I’ll never quite forget.

That brings me to another point. Alligators can be quite aggressive, and shall we say “friendly and fearless” during this, uh, time of year. Sometimes you’ll find them out “strolling” the streets in the middle of the day, which is a little unusual because that’s normally prime nap-time for alligators. Every once in a while you may just have to dodge them during the drive home.

I once had a neighbor who opened her front door to find a frisky gator who apparently was getting ready to perhaps “proposition” the door itself. Luckily she was faster than he was and she managed to get it shut before he got in. A couple of years ago there was a report of one who actually made his way into another person’s kitchen. In other words, sometimes you’ve got to be fast on your feet down here, because alligators are too, and they don’t mess around.

Just a little friendly reminder to my Florida friends: if you’re heading out to your mailbox, or just heading to the fridge for a snack, don’t forget to watch where you step!

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A couple of funny things happened on the way to picking a city for the Republican 2012 Convention. First the Tea Baggers went to Utah and ousted three-term GOP Senator Bob Bennett because he wasn’t crazy enough for them. He just wouldn’t fit tidily enough into their little padded insanity box.

Then they passed a radical anti-immigration law in Arizona and people started boycotting the state in protest. (Although I think the real reason Arizona lost out was that John Boehner was in real danger of being detained the minute he so much as set an orange toe in the state without presenting proof of citizenship and, let’s face it that would be more embarrassing for the GOP than having a leader whose coloring is not one occurring in nature in the first place. Just sayin’.)

So that left the third runner-up and ugly step-child in the form of a swing state that “The Party of No” so desperately wants to win: Florida, and a city with a well-known GOP developer, Al Austin, who’s been frothing at the mouth for years over the prospect of a GOP convention coming to his town: Tampa.

So now as the planets apparently have aligned just right, have collided with the demented wing of the Grand Obstructionist Party, and intersected with a state where aliens, both illegal and interplanetary would have to prove they are citizens of these United States, the GOP convention lands in Florida, making us a karma bulls-eye come Hurricane season 2012. I smell a party!

Just Because They Are "The Party Of No" Doesn't Mean They Don't Plan To Party!

City leaders and big wigs gathered yesterday to wait for a phone call from Republican National Committee Chair Michael “What Up Home….Bro?” Steele, and they weren’t disappointed.

“We’re excited and ready to get to work on what we believe will be one of the best people’s conventions we’ve ever had,” Steele told the host committee members.

Well, Tampa isn’t Hawaii, but I’m sure Steele will find something to his liking to do while he’s in Tampa. The city does have a lucrative red-light district after all. Al Austin and Tampa Mayor Pam Iorio probably weren’t the only ones celebrating after the announcement yesterday. Connoisseur of all things smut and multiple strip club franchise owner Joe Redner was probably thanking the God of Pole Dancing, or whatever God he worships, that the Party that parties in lesbian bondage clubs was coming to his very own city! What a “get” indeed! He’s probably making plans and sprucing up as I type.

Of course this will be good for local tourism and the economy in Tampa, but I’m guessing that, given the GOP’s proclivity for scandal it will be great for the private investigation industry as well.

“This is big fish, but it takes a long time to land one,” said Al Austin, co-chair of the host committee, who spearheaded two previous unsuccessful bids to land the convention.

Sadly though, by 2012 that is the only “big fish” we’re likely to see in Florida. Thanks to the GOP’s lust for “Free Market Oil,”  by 2012 there will probably be a fishing ban in place, our white sandy beaches will be black and sludge laden, and the Gulf Of Mexico will resemble a giant “hold-your-nose” gas-scented tub of oil with boats, jet ski’s and rubber rafts replaced by old tires and garbage, and “No Swimming” signs will dot the coastline. But not to worry, Republicans, it’s OK! By all means, please do come down and feel free to swim in our waters.

Come on in, the oil’s fine!

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This headline from a newspaper this morning speaks volumes, doesn’t it? Granted, it was a reference to Charlie Crist and his party tap-dance yesterday and probably not intended to apply to the entire Grand Obstructionist Party, but still….

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Government waste? You bet.

Write your own caption:


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Sue Lowden, a former Nevada GOP chair seeking to run against Democratic Senate Majority leader Harry Reid, has a great idea for an alternative health care policy that’s sure to be a winner with the people of Nevada:

Encourage people to save as much money as they can in tax-free health savings accounts — the number she mentioned was $20,000 — and to barter with their doctors.

That’s right! Barter with your doctors! That way, if you have a hefty medical bill, or you need a costly procedure that you can’t afford, you can offer them your car. Or if it’s really steep, your house…..oh wait, that wouldn’t work if you live in the burbs where all the houses are abandoned and under foreclosure. Well, I’m sure you have plenty of other resources.

Here’s a short list of the cost of three medical procedures in Nevada from a very informal search I did. It comes from something called “Nevada Compare Care” which boasts of being “Nevadans’ Source for Transparency in Health Care” and it lists these few procedures and their costs as of 2008. You do the math!

From Nevada Compare Care:

A coronary artery bypass averages from $132,702 – 493,936

To deliver a baby? The average cost: $15,070

Average charge for renal failure? $38,785

Of course the bad news here is that probably doesn’t cover hospital stays and all the other fees thrown in, but hey, who really need anesthesia anyway, huh? Man up!

Now, far be it from me to suggest she’s the “Jonathan Swift” candidate in Nevada. I’m certainly not from Nevada. What do I know about politics out there? I’m from Florida after all. We would never DREAM of trading our children for food, or medical procedures! Puh…lease! No, our senior citizens do that! (We’re looking for a “No unsupervised visits with grandparents” candidate down here at the moment, so if you know of anyone, call us?)

Don’t worry, I’m sure it won’t be so bad that you’ll have to resort to selling children. You just might have to shop around a little for doctors. Someone along the lines of, say Theodoric of York maybe?

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Funny story….remember the other day when that nutty Tea Bagger candidate running against John McCain (R-AZ), Rep. J.D. Hayworth (R-AZ) said this?

“You see, the Massachusetts Supreme Court, when it started this move toward same-sex marriage, actually defined marriage — now get this — it defined marriage as simply, ‘the establishment of intimacy,'” said Hayworth, during an appearance on a Florida radio show on Sunday. “Now how dangerous is that? I mean, I don’t mean to be absurd about it, but I guess I can make the point of absurdity with an absurd point — I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse. It’s just the wrong way to go, and the only way to protect the institution of marriage is with that federal marriage amendment that I support.”

Absurdities (or the lack thereof??) aside, John McCain is desperate because, for some reason, this guy has been popular and not long ago he was leading in the polls. John McCain has to do something to prevent that in the future. So he’s got to top Hayworth in the crazy “man and horse matrimony” department somehow. What is a losing Presidential candidate to do? Well, in McCain’s world you simply try the same thing that lost you the Presidential race all over again.

Force Sarah Palin on the voters in Arizona! That’ll do it!

See? (From the John McCain campaign website.)

How’s THAT for absurdity? Top that Tea Bagger with one who not only opposes gay marriage, and no doubt to horses, but could perhaps shoot a horse, single, married, gay or otherwise if it complemented the mashed potatoes on her dinner plate? Let me just say it wouldn’t be my choice for a campaign slogan, but OK….?

But hey, she lost him one election already, so who am I to judge?

A horse is a horse, of course, of course……..

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How can you tell that members of the GOP are becoming desperate as the health care reform bill comes closer to passage? When they start saying really crazy things like these:

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) -

“They have just started a revolution — and they did it,”

“But mark my words, the American people aren’t gonna take this lying down,”

“We aren’t gonna play their game, we’re not gonna pay their taxes. They want us to pay for this? Because we don’t have to. We don’t have to. We don’t have to follow a bill that isn’t law. That’s not the American way, and that’s not what we’re going to do.”

(Is that like when you told us we didn’t have to fill out our Census forms either? Ooh!)

“Grandma’s not shovel ready!”

(Take it from Bachmann, who knows a thing or two about shoveling things.)

Lindsey Graham (R-SC) –

“They’re scrambling to round up the votes and Nancy Pelosi, I think, has got them all liquored up on sake and you know, they’re making a suicide run here”

(Oh Butters, really? Drunk and suicidal? Sake? Oh I get it, kamikaze reference! Ha, ha…)

“This makes no political sense. No one’s ever done this before, take a bill the American people dislike … [and] pass it along party lines, using gimmickry to get it passed”

(Never, NEVER I say! Why, we LOVED all those tax cuts for the rich, and don’t forget all that Iraq War “gimmickry” and more! Yes, good times! But hey, we absolutely draw the line at medical attention of any kind!)

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) -

I brought the bill that’s being talking about. Now I don’t want to offend anybody, I’m sure that there are people here who think abortion is okay, and I don’t want to make you sick, but I brought an abortion to show you today. [...]

There’s a whole lot of demons going on. There’s a lot of demons around here apparently.

(Well, you’ve got to hand it to him on being original! Can’t say I’ve ever heard of someone bringing  an abortion for “show and tell” before.)

Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) -

“Fill this city up, fill this city, jam this place full so that they can’t get in, they can’t get out and they will have to capitulate to the will of the American people,”

(Pst! Rep. King. Maybe you aren’t paying attention. The American people want health care reform. That’s one of the reasons they won the election. But do go on…)

“I’d rather serve in the minority,” said King, “however long they send me back here to do that, that I would live under this socialism that they’re trying to impose upon us. I can’t sleep at night.”

(You’re in luck! You ARE in the minority, congratulations! I wouldn’t necessarily count on staying there though. There’s a chance you could be voted out soon. The insomnia must be what’s causing those Socialist hallucinations. You really should see a doctor about it while you’re still covered under the Government Controlled Healthcare Plan the rest of us are paying for. You’re welcome.)

Sarah Palin -

(Never mind. Who has the time to cover them all and besides, I don’t have a translator handy who can read her Facebook page for me.)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and wait for those Democrats to knock on my door and “ram that health care down my throat,” because my health insurance premiums just went up again…

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